| homesick |
[23 Jun 2008|12:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
and missing my life. but enjoying not working. enjoying not having plans. loving my nephew! he's adorable. such a happy kid. worried about my brother. my parents are still crazy, but relatively sane-r... Not a lot changes here, ever. It's a little creepy.
Still, feeling good. Glad I'm here.
Glad I'm still someone you can talk to. Glad you know I won't judge you or make anything harder. I'm here to listen, laugh, and share all the dirty details with, whenever you have dirty details to share! <3
miss him. sad panda. good chance to practice being away. impossible to stay disconnected.
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| he's back and I'm loving it |
[17 Jun 2008|11:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
It's temporary. But I like it. I like having my friend+ back. The things I could show him in the month we have left... Gah! Don't think about it. It's not happening again. You'll fall and then you'll hurt and then you'll feel dumb for putting yourself out there again.
Thank you for dumping him. He's better off.
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| she's gone |
[14 Jun 2008|08:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 predatory |
] |
I feel bad for him. But I'm not surprised. And I think its for the best, but whether its for sure or not yet... Who knows? Tomorrow they could've worked things out. So I reserve judgment. Offer to listen, offer my shoulder to cry on. And tell him she doesn't deserve him. Because if she chose someone else, she obviously doesn't.
I hate that he's hurt. I hate that I can't just hug him and make it better. I kinda hate that I care so much. It's not really a good thing, but it is... I don't know!
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| I always hated chemistry |
[12 Jun 2008|11:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
I didn't really get it. Now it blows me away. Let me punch you in the stomach, just so that I'll touch you? Wtf? Read your book of Mormon and get a grip on your pg-13 life. I can't be a part of it. But if you decide that you wanna go for a beer and try something rated R, I'll be around. I think you will, eventually, but what do I know? Just how soft your skin was, how you tasted, and what made you groan... Nothing, really.
4 days smoke free! Woot!
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| wanna smoke! |
[09 Jun 2008|08:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
gah! but so far, so good. antsy, a little. I was ok all day, even driving was alright, but once I finished eating dinner OMG I wanted a cigarette so bad! I've got gum. Maybe I'll try that.
Is it monday? Yes. Weird. I've been out of the store for 4 of the last 5 days. No clue what's going on there. I've been around but not paying any attention. Yay!
Gym today. 50 minutes on the treadmill kicked my butt. No weights. I need to do more cardio. I need to figure out what works to get this weight going away. I felt like I looked good yesterday, tho. I felt confident. I'm shaped like an ice cream cone and that's distressing, but you can see that I've lost weight from the waist down, just not so much on the top half. Whatev.
Saw Kelcee at Pride. Nice to see her. Makes me sad, not like bawling my eyes out sad, but it's too bad I'm not more mature. Or younger. Or something that is less me. And then I smack myself and go "Hello?! You're more you than you've ever been!" Yeah, it's too bad I couldn't stay friends with those people, just like it's too bad so many people and I aren't friends anymore. But if we were supposed to be such great friends, wouldn't that've survived? It didn't and we're now on separate paths. That's the way those cookies crumbled.
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| omg are you kidding??? |
[08 Jun 2008|08:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
Pride didn't completely suck. Drunk. Still drunk. I wasn't the one that got dumped. I didn't see anyone I didn't want to, I wasn't afraid to see anyone and I think that helped. Started drinking at 1130, in bed by 5 pm. Now it's almost 9 and I'm reviewing my options for this evening. Probably end up at Burt's for karaoke. Maybe not. Tia's being a poop. I need ibuprofen. Now. Quitting smoking tomorrow. Scared. Oh, my head!
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| If I go off the pill today |
[02 Jun 2008|12:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
will I lose those 14 pounds tonight?
I can't afford to be gaining weight like this. It is killing me. Not just physically, either. My mind can't handle being fucked with like this. It's making me feel like shit and I don't like that. If it's just bloat, it'll just go away eventually. But when??? I'm still working out, more than I was for about a month, actually. I haven't changed my eating habits, although I do crave things that are horrible, especially when it comes to bloating - olives, pickles, pepperoni, cheese, garlic bread... They're all so salty! But I drink water like it's going out of style.
And there are no answers. I'm not having sex. There's no real reason for me to be on BC. So should I just quit at the end of the month? One more week and we'll see... I have another pack after that, but if this gaining business keeps up, I'm not even going there.
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| hrumph |
[30 May 2008|08:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
We're going out to the Paper Moon tonight. I'm not even excited. Something isn't right. I feel weird. Cranky. Agitated for no good reason. Fat. It's unpleasant. I think it's the pill. I gained like 10 pounds last week. Not good. I've been eating horribly and I can't seem to control it. I have no will power. I'm back on my welbutrin and still wanna cry. Working out was so hard today. Made me want to die. I don't like this.
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| you're so sweet, like a lollipop |
[25 May 2008|10:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
Oh last night! Fucking A. So much fun. I bit people! And we had a dirty conga clusterfuck dance-a-thon. And poor Isaac... I'm surprised he still has nipples, I kept pulling on them all night. And Hasan, who I've talked to like twice at work, suddenly my dance partner via hair pulling and crotch rubbing... It was a dirty, dirty night.
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| birfday party tonight |
[24 May 2008|07:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
Oh, lord... Gonna be a late one.
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| this sucks |
[22 May 2008|08:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
I don't want to really like him. And I do. And I can't have him. I need to get over it. I need to move on. I need to focus on me...
How did I do that last time? Oh, right... Compulsive working out, plenty of drinking and hanging out with my girls. Check, check, and double check. Here I go again.
Maybe it's just the hormones or the meds I'm back on. Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've been sick almost a week. I'm nauseous all day. Hungry all day. Cranky all day. And aggressive. Like, I wanna kick someone in the balls. And knowing that mormon-girl sealed the deal and that she's hot doesn't help a damn thing on that list. At least he's not a jackass about it. But he does little things that keep me hanging on and he needs to stop. Like, pinching me to say goodbye or picking the lint off of me. It's distracting because I want to stop feeling that way; I want to stop my pulse from racing when he touches me, or the grin that appears when he does. It's not fair.
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| damn sagittarius year |
[21 May 2008|08:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
From the City Weekly: "It's time for you, too, to say goodbye to a quest that hasn't panned out. Yes, it'll be sad. But here's the happy ending: Within a month of the time you surrender, you'll be led to a better quest with more chance of success."
Damn it! But I've been letting things go all year. How hard can it be? Give me a month and we'll see...
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| gonna be a rough day |
[21 May 2008|10:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
moody |
] |
He got the job. He'll be leaving. I'm not supposed to know, yet. I'm going to miss him so much! Gah! Thank jesus I'm back on my meds... (Over-dramatic, perhaps? Yes, a little. I'll be fine.)
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| a monster! |
[19 May 2008|12:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hot |
] |
New boy. 20 on friday. Jesus. But he sat on my lap and I slipped my hand into his beltloop and touched his skin. It's not the same. But it's fun.
"Girlskin" is in Chicago for a job interview/psychological testing. And then he might be moving to Oklahoma for a few months. I'll miss him, but I wish him the best.
Got incredibly drunk saturday night. Finally went dancing. So much fun. I love my gay!
Today I'm going to Planned Parenthood. Joining the ranks of women on the pill, getting tested for everything I can, so I know where I stand and I don't have another scare like I did. Of course, I never go anywhere without a condom now, so I'm already better off. A little nervous. Haven't been tested in a long time. Haven't needed to know.
Oh, my life! What a weird turn of events! Tia's been supportive, but weird. Like, she just doesn't get the whole bisexual thing. She's one of those lesbians who's got no interest in men. And I can tell it kinda freaks her out. But the thing is, I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not looking for anything. I just want the security of knowing that if something does happen, I'm ok. Or mostly ok. I want to know what my stats are. And the only way to do that is to go there, get the tests, get the scrip, and live my life. Fucking amazing.
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| my skin is alive |
[16 May 2008|01:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dirty |
] |
It wants him and it craves him. My fingers itch to touch his so-soft skin, to stroke his hair, to trace the curls around his ears. What the hell am I doing??? Cut it out, skin. You're not the boss of me!
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| If only is not the way to start |
[14 May 2008|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
I am. That is the way to start. It is the way to push through and to finish. I am is the way to evolve, to change your life. You can't start it with an if only. It won't work.
No regrets. Because I am who made those decisions. I am who is making the decisions now. I am in control. I am living in my life, maybe for the first time ever. Why would I regret that?
I see Tia living in "If only" and I shake my head. I take her to the gym and try to get her to see that she already is. But she'll get there in her own time, no pulling along by me will help. That's how it works.
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| I thought I was settling down |
[13 May 2008|09:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
Turns out, I'm still there... Not as much, but still VERY attracted. He's got something, a quality that I find super-sexy. And it's kinda weird. Physically not my first choice, that tight little biker's body, the 0% body fat, the lack of broad shoulders and height. I like boys who are physically large. Linebackers. I like to know they could kick someone's ass if necessary. Emotionally, he's a mess. Jealous. Confused. A flirt. He's not the most mature person... But there are moments when he's mature enough. There are times when he knows what he wants. And I love that he's a jock in his own way. I love that he's so soft. I even kinda like that he's so sensitive and that we're the same height. But I don't want his drama. I'm enjoying myself being single. He's got a lot going on in his little world and I'm not a part of it. The funny thing is the jealousy. Wtf??? Why does he care what I'm doing? Who's waking me up? None of his business. Cares that I text Anne and Robert in the shower? Why?! Assuming that he knows what's going on in my life... It's bizarre behavior. It doesn't make any sense. HE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! Lol!
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